ego fessus, devia. Dei gratia ego superstes...

ever felt like you've been betrayed? ever felt like all your trust was shattered? that's the one thing i hate about friendship: it comes with no guarantees. A promise is a promise, correct? wrong. it seems that in today's modern day society, a promise is relative, only to be kept when convenient and suitable. people hold no qualms about lying, about breaking promises, about breaking other people's trust. yeah sure, it's easy to say "i promise", but to keep it is another matter. the words "i promise" are not the comforter, but rather the feeling of trust and security that comes with a promise. to know that it is unbreakable, unsullied. that after all the shitload that comes into your life, there are a few things that at least remain true. that the bonds of trust are at least still dependable. the belief in mankind's innate sense of what is right and good. that to lie would be atrocious and unthinkable. it is true what they say, that man's greatest gift is the gift of language, and yet it is that same gift which is its curse. there used to be a time when a man's word was as strong as oak, when it was all you needed. that is what i think a promise means. 

correction: that was what i thought a promise meant.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine

haha, you're right. only back a while. why spoil it?

TAG game!
Instructions: Pick five occupations from the list below and complete the sentence. Then tag another three people to do it. And on and on it goes.

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a service member
If I could be a photographer
If I could be a philanthropist
If I could be a rap artist
If I could be a child actor
If I could be a secret agent
If I could be a comedian/comedienne
If I could be a priest
If I could be a radio announcer
If I could be a phlebotomist
If I could be Paris Hilton's stylist
If I could be a movie producer
If I could be the CEO of Microsoft
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure
If I could be a dog trainer

 

ok, here goes

 

If I could be a llama-rider i would be a llama-rights activist, ensuring the total humane and prefered treatment of llamas. I would give free llama-riding clinics where people of all ages would be welcome to come and learn the lost art of llama-riding. The llamas of the world would come flocking in fervent worship and adoration and I would be crowned Queen Li, honarary Queen of the Llamas...

If I could be a secret agent I would be a modern Mata-Hari... I would be known throughout the criminal underworld as the sexiest and deadliest agent around. Goverments around the world would cower in fear of me and my deadly infiltration skills. None of that "My name is Bond, James Bond" nonsense.... My sheer skill and prowess would be legendary enough to ensure that once my secret weapon was unveiled (my dazzling smile), everyone would need no introduction to who i am...

If I could be a bonnie pirate I would be the Robin Hood of the Seven Seas... Sinbad wouldn't have anything on me... I would rob from the rich Spanish and English privateers and give away the fruits of my labor to the needy and the worthy. My ship's standard would strike fear into every ship that came near enough to see it and many wouldn't survive to tell the tale...

If I could be an astronaut I would most definately be the first human on Mars.. And i wouldn't say "One small step for man, One large step for mankind".. I would proudly announce, "HAH!!! I TOLD YOU WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN MEN!!" Women of the world would look up to me in adoration and admiration and the men of the world would look at me with respect and servitude...

If I could be a rap artist I would be the most famous rap artist int he world. Eminem would seem like childs-play compared to the rap i dish out. And none of that bling-bling nonsense. I would be wearing expensive designer clothes. My rap would be the "high-class" rap of the generation. As the Beatles were known to a generation, I shall be known throughout time...

 

haha... and i tag.... hmm.. Vinne, Chrys and Yen Chiew

"Taking up is easy, but once you have hold it for too long, you feel reluctant to let it go because you have spent so much time and effort holding to it that it becomes an inseparable part of you.."

kinda true don't you think? makes you think abit... how strong do you have to be to let go? and what if you don't wanna let go, but circumstances do not allow another ending? then what? pain? suffering? how strong do you have to be to let go without hurting? or rather, the better question is, can you be strong enough..? kinda describes life... you don't wanna move away cause starting again is too hard... cause making friends is too complicated... the older we get, the more elements come into a friendship and sooner or later you realize that maybe change isn't as great as it's made out to be. high school friends are still the best and, in my opinion, will always be. for those of you who can't wait to move on with a new chapter in your life, don't just look forward. look back and remember, relish the joy, share the tears.. there will never be a time like the present and if you don't appreciate it now, you might never have the opportunity to ever again. i know that many people can't wait to go overseas to continue their education, and that just as many can't wait to go college, but keep this in mind: starting again is not easy. making friends, true friends, is hard. many people who go overseas feel lonely, as myself and my friends will testify.... having a new chapter is great, but don't forget the old one. keep your friends close and keep them dear. time and distance wears away even the strongest of friendships. maybe for some of the friendships i have, i realized this too late, but for the ones i still have, i really hope that those friendships will continue for a long long time to come...

ARE WE GOING??? WAAA... CAN'T WAIT TO GO!!!!

http://www.australia.com/

"Everyone sees who you seem to be, few seem to understand who you really are." - Machiavelli

Really rings true for my life. =)

haha, was talking to Ju and Kum just now and they said that I am emotionally detached. That I have a wall around me which results in me giving sarcastic comments to protect myself. That I don't admit anything I feel cause of fear of hurt. That even when people say that they care for me, I will deflect it off with a sarcastic comment. Well, I guess that it is true to a certain extent. But then, easier to live behind walls and to only depend on myself i guess. oh well... at least i know that my friends are always there.

well, as most of you well know, i am a self-confessed movie buff. whenever i can, and whenever there's a new movie out, i'll be there to watch it. that's why u almost always see me in jusco on thursdays, cause new movies come out on thursdays. anyways, i think my dad has gotten the movie bug cause every week he takes me out to watch a movie. haha. either that or he takes pity on me cause i sit around the house getting bored to death. here's all the movies we've watched since i came back

Mr. and Mrs. Smith (ok, admittedly, not the best movie to watch with parents)
Batman Begins
Madagascar
Star Wars

Not including those i watched myself:

Kung-Fu Mahjong
Divergence (or something like that)

haha, so that averages out to a movie a week since i've been back. so people, come join my i-have-nothing-to-do-therefore-i-live-for-movies club and learn all the deep dark secrets of cinema etiquette and behold, you will become a bona-fide cinema buff.... hehe, just like me...  

1. TWO NAMES YOU GO BY:
~ Lili
~ Li

2. TWO THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
~ cockroaches
~ horror movies 

3. TWO THINGS U NEED EVERYDAY:
~ oxygen
~ water

4. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
~ Good Charlotte 
~ Linkin Park 

5. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE FOOD:
~ anything with egg.. 
~ lamb

6. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
~ reading
~ listening to music

7. TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO REALLY BUY RIGHT NOW:
~ new bag, my sling bag's getting a bit worn 
~ ermm... new wallet... it's also getting a bit worn..

8. TWO CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
~ accountant (don't laugh) 
~ Lonely Planet travel host... (wahahhaa)

9. TWO PLACES YOU WOULD GO TO ON VACATION:
~ UK
~ NZ

10. TWO THINGS YOU DID YESTERDAY:
~ hmm... errr.... breathe 
~ read

11. TWO PERSONS THAT YOU MISS A LOT?
~ jess (ish, not coming back) 
~ kar mern (also not coming back)

12. TWO FOODS THAT YOURE CRAVING TO EAT?
~ durian
~ siu mai

13. TWO OF YOUR FUNNIEST MEMORIES IN HIGH SCHOOL?
~ wiping windows with rachel on the last day of school 
~ F4 drama and F5 pesta.... preparations in class...

14. TWO PERSONS THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND NOW?
~ rachel
~ ju

15. TWO ELEMENTARY FRIENDS YOU'D LIKE TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
~ shalini
~ luke

16. TWO COLORS YOU LIKE?
~ purple
~ deep blue 

17. TWO HIGHSCHOOL FRIENDS YOU WANT TO TALK TO?
~ everyone la... so long since i last saw them

18. TWO PLACES YOU LAST WENT TO?
~ jusco
~ errr... jusco? 

19. TWO PERSONS YOU'D WANT TO KISS AND HUG?
~ ?!?! 

20. TWO LAST THINGS YOU WERE IRRITATED ABOUT?
~ my cousin waking me up (ok, it was 11am then...) 
~ my mom waking me up 

21. TWO LAST THINGS YOU CRIED ABOUT?
~ no more durian
~ no more cookies (((

22. TWO LAST THINGS THAT MADE YOU HAPPY?
~ durian
~ shireen's blog... haha

23. TWO LAST DRINKS OF ALCOHOL U HAD?
~ some vodka lime
~ heineken 

24. TWO PEOPLE YOU'D WANT TO KILL?
~ only two?? 

25. TWO CELEBRITIES YOU'D WANT TO MEET?
~ Gandhi
~ Tolkein

26. TWO LAST PEOPLE WHO ADDED YOU TO THEIR MYSPACE?
~ what's myspace?? 

27. TWO LAST PEOPLE WHO GAVE U A TESTI?
~ check my friendster 

28. TWO PEOPLE U THINK VIEWED YOUR PROFILE?
~ people with nothing better to do 

29. TWO LAST PEOPLE WHO MESSAGESD YOU?(phone)
~beh
~rachel

30. TWO LAST PEOPLE U CHATTED WITH?(phone)
~rachel
~ju

31. TWO LAST PEOPLE WHO KISSED U?
~ ?!

32. TWO LAST PEOPLE U SLEPT WITH?
~ ?!?!?!

33. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS?
~ books
~ laptop

34. TWO THINGS YOU'LL DO LATER?
~ read 
~ play computer 

hmm, time for reflection maybe? haha, i don't know. nothing to do right now, so i guess i'll just write whatever crap that comes to mind. but before i start, yes foozie, i'm supposed to come and visit you. will come in the next few weeks... be prepared... haha.

anyway, i guess life really just passes you by without you realizing it. guess what? i'm going to be 20 already. can't believe it eh? hmm, i certainly don't look my age and i doubt that i ever will act it. time of reflection and contemplation during long and sleepless nights has revealed quite a bit about myself. i'm not a great friend. kum, you know what i'm talking about, all the times i snaped at you when you just needed someone to listen to. my anger just flares up sometimes for no reason and it's always those closest to me who suffer. i place a lot of importance on trivial matters and i know that some of you out there cannot fathom why i like to sulk about the most stupid things imaginable. i say the things that come to my mind without thought of the consequences and often hurt you with my words. i get frustrated with you easily and always show that i am frustrated. i admire all of your patience and kindness cause if i had a friend like myself, i would have just let her rot by the roadside. there are times when i cannot bother about other peoples feelings, when i want to hurt them so badly. when all i wanna do is to see them cry and be hurt. i complain and grumble so much that at times i wonder whther i smile at all. i've done and said many stupid things in my life and i think one of them is that i've managed to be an ass for the most part of my life. well, last night, even though i was dead tired and aching all over, i managed to think abit about the people in my life and guess i have a message for all of you out there (in alphabetical order):

Jess: Miss Jesslyn Ding, sigh. haha. for one, i'm really sorry for always making fun of you even though you never retaliate. i think that out of all the people i know, you are the one with the most patience and the most understanding. you never fail to help a person when they need it and even when they don't you're always there to help them up. somehow or someway, i really admire your courage and how steadfast you are. all the way throughout highschool you were the one who would always remain calm even though things were falling apart and i never really said thank you for the strength that you provided to me. you're great just the way you are. stay the same. ok, maybe you could be a bit less blur la.

Jo: you, i think, i have the most to apologize for. i'm sorry for being a real pain and somehow always manage to get you in a foul mood. i'm sorry that i always pester you to tell your problems when all you need is just time to cool down. i'm sorry that i demand for you to keep promises even though that's probably the last thing you want to do at the time. i'm sorry for that one year, it was never your fault. i snapped at you right before i left for kl and i guess that's what triggered the one year of silence. so, in reality and fact, i guess that i'm to blame for that. i'm sorry for always saying things that hurt you and for always not being the friend that you deserve. i'm really really sorry for always teasing you. i really admire your strength and courage. you're a really really great friend and sis, just by being the person that you are.

Ju: i'm so sorry about the time i called you a b*tch to your face. i'm also very sorry that i never made/make the effort to try and mail you or something when you're in the UK. and i'm sorry that we hated each other when we were in f1. i'm really really sorry. and the fact that i always seem to be sarcastic even though u just wanna have a pleasant conversation with me. and i'm also sorry i can't spell rhinoceros. thanks for always being there for me thanks for being the one who brings sense into my life. you stuck by me in debate and in all the problems in edi, and i never really showed my appreciation. you are one of the few people with whom i can talk absolute nonsense with and not feel fed up. you;re a great friend, never forget that. 

Kum: I'm really sorry for snapping at you when you just need someone to hear you out. I know that my words are harsh and cruel most of the time and that you need someone who will comfort you, and not hammer unemotional logic and cruel reality into you. i'm really sorry for making you cry whenever you are already crying and for saying those things which i know must hurt you so much. i;m really truly sorry. you;ve always been ready to help whenever you can and you've always been ready to listen whenever i need someone. i'm so sorry i couldn't give the same to you. i;ll try to listen whenever you want to say something and i'll try to be there whenever you need someone. once again, i truly am sorry.

Rachel: haha, rachel, rachel. what can i say about you. out of all my friends i think you and kar mern come closest to those who are the whackiest people in my life. college life would never have been the same without both of you. you never fail to make me laugh at myself and all the stupid things that i;ve done. and you also never fail to make me laugh at you. haha. i think out of all my friends, you are the only one with whom i can tahan stealing my "ham tan" and the cream off my starbucks frap. you are also the only friend who will ration her kacang putih with me and cook maggi with me at 3 am. thanks for teaching me to cook maggi with cheese and for introducing me to the wonders of the custard apple. you are really true and sincere. be steadfast rach, i know you'll pull through.

Yen Chiew: ah chiew, sigh. i'm so sorry that i had that argument with you in f3 and that i never wished you all the best in pmr. i was a real bitch then. i was incredibly selfish, childish and stupid. i have no idea how you managed to forgive me after that but i am really grateful that you did. you are the one who always tells the weirdest jokes and yet always manages to make me laugh. i will always forever remember that you always bring one of those 1.5 liter bottles to school and that you always manage to finish it. and after you finish it you always need to go to the bathroom. haha. you are the one most like a big sister out of all the people that i know and never fear, cause your burnt guardian angel is always going to be looking out for you. take care and stay the same.