January 5th, 2009

i'm in a rather reflective mood today, so this will be a somewhat long entry. if you have the patience to bear with me, please do. if you don't, well that's fine too.

this past year has been a mixture of good and bad.

the "good"s:

1. Even though I constantly doubt and disbelieve, God always pulls through. I realized that my faith is lacking in so many areas and though I always push and try to pull away, somehow I'm always brought back. I liken it to deep sea fishing. You give a little line to the fish once in a while but in the end you always reel it in. For that, I'm grateful.
   
2. Amazing family. They are the reason why I tangibly understand what it means to be always there.
   
3. Friends, both past and present, that understand me. These people are so few and far between that when they do come along, it breaks my heart when our paths split.
   
4. Graduation. I made it.
   
5. Age. Though this is a weird one, I am actually very grateful that I'm getting older. Each year I see different things about me and it makes me realize more and more what a horrible and messed up person I am. I forsee the need for therapy, or much prayer, in the near future. 
   

The "bad"s

1. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions this year. Somehow this year has been worse than most. I'm not a very emotionally demonstrative person to begin with, so this past year has just been a emotion-brimming-to-the-surface year.
   
2. I knew this past year would be a heart-breaking year. The combination of saying goodbye to good friends and making new acquaintances made 2008 a year of difficult situations.
3. I didn't expect myself to miss home this much. I knew I would, but I didn't know that my homesickness this year would rival my freshman year. But somehow it has either matched or surpassed it.
   

I guess it's a good thing that the "good"s outweigh the "bad"s. Actually, it's a VERY good thing. I also realized a lot of things about myself:

1. I actually hate the taste of coffee. After years of trying to convince myself that I enjoy that foul-tasting drink, I have come to accept that coffee, while the beverage of choice for millions of Starbucks connoisseurs, is not for me. I like my venti-soy-hot-chocolate-with-whip thank you very much. 
2. Whenever I see my friends' parents and know that my friends enjoy the luxury of knowing that they will spend eternity with their family, I sometimes get jealous. My own situation really saddens and frightens me. Everyday I'm dogged by the fear that they won't believe and in the end it'll be too late. I never talk about this because it is by far my biggest fear. I go to sleep thinking about it and wake up still lingering on the thought.
   
3. I can't say goodbye without tearing up. I physically am unable to say a tear-free farewell.
4. I am not a patient person. At all. 
5. I get the feeling that somewhere along the path to the me-now, I lost myself and what I stood for. Only now am I slowly beginning to rediscover the values I once held on so strongly to.
6. God has really broken my will. From age 18 to age 23 not many things have gone the way that I want them to go and this has resulted in a broken and calloused heart. However it has also resulted in a sense of pseudo-surrender. I'm either too tired to fight or too broken to care. I have no idea which it is.
   

Earlier this year I wrote about the fact that I had [almost] given up on faith. Actually, that was probably as close to the brink of disbelief that I have come to in a long while. My jaded heart has not been so cynical in years. I remembered how carefree I was pre-Christ. I remembered that I was a more patient person, a person who held on to values and virtues that I no longer remember or care to demonstrate. I don't know if the me-now is a product of life's harshness or God's refining but I know that I need to get back to the person I was before and somehow meld it together with faith. Slowly now, I feel the crust chipping away but I also know that its so easy to have a hardened heart once more. I'm tired of the cookie-cutter faith. I want a faith that is mine, not someone else's plagiarized faith. I wish the word spoke to me. I wish I just "get it" instead of "doubt it". I wish that I knew what it is to burn for God. I wish God would save my loved ones.

I don't really have resolutions because I don't know what will come in 2009. I just hope that I'll be strong enough to see it through. Sorry for the rant, it's been a long day.